Do you have any idea?

That was my text to him.

He called later on. He has many ideas.

Do I have any idea how much you love me?
Do I have any idea how horny you are?
Do I have any idea how much you want me?

Soon...it's going to happen soon. Not soon enough. Soon is a very subjective word. My idea of soon is different than yours and yours is different than someone else's. Guess it just depends on how patient you can be.

The timing isn't right now anyways. Dana is still out of work. Winter is coming on. Hearts will be broken. Excuses Excuses Excuses. Some are mine, some are his. All are ours.

We had a long talk. Lots of promises made. I'm still sitting here, leary. Wanting and hoping and dreaming so hard but my heart's not leaping over that moon just yet. It's lept to many times only to crash land on the other side.

His words, ringing true in my ears, hoping against hope that what he says is what will be. "I will make you so happy. I promise this will all be worth it"

Over an hour the phone dance went on. Soft whispers. Him telling me how it's going to be. Love and respect and freedom and security. Working together toward a common goal. Making love all night long. No more petty arguments. No more being alienated from my family and friends. No more walking on eggshells. He's going to love me so hard that it'll take my breath away.

He asked where I was. I told him but but I was too close to home and he was too far away to meet. He said it's probably just as well since if he saw me he may have to just say "fuck it" and set the wheels in motion. And we have agreed that we are going to try to end things gently. May not be possible but we don't have to throw things in the face of those who love us to distraction and are dependant on us.

He said "you know, you are the best thing that ever happened to Dana and I'm the best thing that ever happened to Debbie". Yes I agree on both accounts. And that is not being smug, it is the truth. But that doesn't change the fact that they are not the best thing to happen to us. I don't know if Earl is the best thing that ever happened to me. SOmetimes it feels like a life sentence. I've been doing hard time for 4 years now. But I do know that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. He's said so and I know so. I do think that he could be the best thing that has ever happened to me. Could be.

Dana's parents stopped over today. There was a series of events that happened and Dana really needed them to show and they did. But they only showed up because they thought Earl was going to be here helping with the roof of the shed. He had cancelled. Dana's mom went on and on about how good things have worked out with Earl in Dana's trailer. How much Dana's Dad likes Earl and all the things they do together. She went on and on about all the reasons why his dad likes Earl so much. She went on and on.

The ripple just keeps getting bigger. It seems that Dana and Debbie aren't the only ones who will be heartbroken. I mentioned a while back that Dennis will miss him when he is gone and he was wistful. He's going to miss Dennis (Dana's Dad) too. He was like a dad to him. A good dad. Doing things together. They have forged a bond.

I wish life was easy. I wish things weren't in such a tangle. I wish I could make this thing with Dana work and I wish I could forget Earl. But I can't. I have tried to make things work with Dana. I really have. They just aren't. I have tried to forget Earl. I really have. But I just can't.

I guess the real question is "Do I have any idea"?

Do I have any idea how hard all of this is going to be?