Sometimes I swear

I'm losing my mind.

Dana is now very quickly heading into a downward spiral.He's becone even more demanding and needy. It feels like the more I tell him that I need him to back off the more he is pouring it on.

Sat I wanted to go and get my nails done. He was fine with that because he had a few errands he wanted to run as well. All was good. Getting my nails done is a process. The place that I go doesn't take appts and you have to stay there to keep your place in line. They basically hold me hostage. But I am a willing participant. This is my time to be pampered and just sit back and relax. Even just reading a magazine while waiting is relaxing.

After about 45 min of waiting it was my turn. All was still good. I texted Dana to let him know that I was just getting started. He replied with ok. No big deal. Midway through Sarah came in to see how close I was to done. She visited me for a min then left. Outside the salon she saw Dana and told him that I had about a half hour left. SOmething went off in his brain and he was instantly pissed. He came into the salon and said, "You can take me home when you're done"

Now keep in mind that I'm having my nails done. I was right in the middle of the last stage before she paints my nails so I was stuck. I couldn't do anything.

I asked what was wrong. "nothing" Are you sick? "no" So I just looked at him. Waiting for him to let me know what was wrong.

"I just want to get home, I have things to do and I didn't know we were going to be gone this long" there was a pause then he said "I didn't think it was going to take so long in here"

I think that I do over react to him. Sometimes. ANd when I see it written I think I may have but when I remember the tone and how the chinese lady started really hurrying through painting my nails I think not.

I held my temper. Tried to just let him know that was fine, we'd head home after I was done. I truly wasn't all that upset. I was embarrassed but not upset. Just figured I'd talk to him in the car. He walked out then came back about 5 min later and said he was fine. We could still get groceries like we had planned.

My nails were dry and we walked outside. We got in the car and I said "we need to have an understanding" Well, that was all it took. His defenses went up and he was defiant. I said " just so you know, I was a bit embarrassed by your remarks"

He blew up. "I didn't say anything embarrassing. I'm sick of you always saying that. I'm sick of you blowing EVERTHING out of proportion" He continued on, yelling. Louder and Louder.

I truly approached it calm and quietly. I wasn't mad at him, I just wanted him to know how the scene affected me. But just like always, I overreacted. I was being negative. I was taking it all wrong. It was all my fault. Again. Like usual.

It's bad. And it's getting worse.

He was mad at me yesterday because I was laying out in the sun and had left my phone in the house. When he called at noon I didn't hear it. He called back at 2:30 and I was in the pool so I didn't get the call either. Then he sent a text so I got out to check it and it said "Please call me, now I'm getting worried"

So I called him and asked what he was worried about. "I tried to call. Several times and I haven't been able to get ahold of you. You could have at least texted me to let me know you got my message"

Ummmm...ok. "So what are you worried about?"

Then he went into a long rant about how inconsiderate I am to have not responded to his noon message. It's very simple to just respond to a text or call. Why do I have to be so darned inconsiderate??

I HATE THESE KINDS OF DUMB FUCKING CONVERSATIONS.

I have never in my life fought with anyone like I fight with him. I have lots of friends. At work, from school, life long friends. I have many really good relationships. So I really don't think I have such an inconsiderate personality that I can't maintain a relationship. I've never had anyone be so needy and reliant on me and what I'm doing at any given time.

I don't know how to turn this around. I don't know how to be the kind of girl he needs. As much as I love him and I really do or he would absolutely be history, I'm just not a one person type of person. I'm not talking monogamy or sex. I can absolutely be that person and am that person. (Yeah my mind wanders on occasion but the rest of me has stayed put) But I need all the people in my life. I cannot be so totally into him that there is no room for anyone else.

Part of the reason he was calling was to tell me that he was working until 7pm at the earliest and probably more likely 7:30. I said OK I was still planning on getting my hair done and taking Sarah school shopping and that we'd be leaving around 3:30. He said "So I guess I'm on my own for dinner again" I said No that I would make sure we were home in time for dinner with him. Then he said "you know, you shouldn't even be going back down shopping because it should have already been done yesterday" I said you only have yourself to blame.

So Lee hooked up with Sarah and I and we went to get our haircut. I had decided to go to dinner with Sarah and Lee but I would eat very light so I could eat with Dana too.

He called me at 5:30 and said to go ahead and do what I wanted since he wouldn't be home until after 8pm. He said to have dinner or whatever and not worry about him. At last, a reasonable thought. Why should I wait until 8pm to eat just because he is stuck working late? And now he was seeing that too which in my mind was very good.

But Lee saw a totally different side. She said it was very nice of Dana to "grant me permission" to eat dinner when I saw fit. She has seen his bad side sooo often that she is jaded. She likes Dana but is sick of his antics and his abuses on me. She really is starting to run out of patience for his bullshit. SHe is such a good friend to me that she keeps that mostly to herself. She has told me that she will support whatever decisions that I make but that there are times when he is just too over the top. She also knows what it is like to be alone and how lonely it can be. She really is a soul mate to me. She is like a sister from another mother. She wishes Dana could be like he was when we first got back together. She wishes he could be the things I want and need and she wishes that I could be the same for him. She really is not against him. But it is getting tiring, always explaining the moodiness and such.

I'm really struggling with this whole thing. I really WANT things to work out and I feel like I'm trying but I think it's slipping away. I feel like I just can't keep a grip on the slippery hand of fate. I feel like it's only a matter of time before I lose my mind and just jump of a bridge.