He still gets to me

"You know I love you?"

"Yeah, I know"

"Always have and always will"

"Yeah, I know"

"Do you still feel the same way?"

"I try not to but yes, I do"

"Why do you try not to?"

Well that's a dumb question. He's with someone and I'm with someone but we still can't not think of each other and want each other.

I thought it had drifted into a comfortable friendship. Well, it has but the fire does still smolder.

He admitted yesterday that the reason we aren't together is his fault. He acknowledged that he fucked up. Not once, not twice but many times. He said he still believes that we will end up together. Eventually. I told him our time for that has come and gone. There are no more last chances for us. He has her and I have Dana.

It's a mess. Too much of a mess to even consider going down that road again. Lives would be destroyed. But that didn't stop him from asking if he could see me on Sunday.

"I just need to see you, alone. I need to hold you and touch you and breathe you in"

Yeah I'm a sucker for his words. Always have been.

"I don't think that is such a good idea"

"I know it's not but it has been sooo long."

We tried, we really did. To just let it go. I've been doing a pretty good job too and I have been mostly happy with Dana. But this last week or two has been a rough patch. Disagreements and arguments and yelling. Hurt feelings and being pissed off and just the general personality conflicts that can normally arrise.

It's happened before and we split up. Then we got back together and we have talked through the issues. And there haven't been as many issues. But the fact of the matter is there ARE still issues. I was able to list 55 reasons to say no and only 18 reasons to say yes. And 2 of those were about loving him. But can love sustain me through all these mentally taxing times? Or will I just have to jump off the deep end?

And how is it that Earl has such a vibe on me that he KNOWS when things aren't right? I haven't talked to him in a few weeks and over the last year it has been a purely friendship level. We haven't even joked about anything more. But yet during this dark week he calls and sets my mind in motion. Out of the blue he starts speaking in tongues to me and the light at the end of the tunnel becomes the train.

No, getting together is out of the question. It has to be. Because getting together to "just be in each other's space" only leads to really awesome bad things. Lives would be destroyed including our own. Our time has passed. And he is right, it is ALL his fault.