I haven't needed to lean on you like before. I haven't had feelings that had to be hidden. I have been open, honest, living right, yada yada yada.

But today?

Today I'm conflicted. Kathy invited me to go with them to the movies tonight. We haven't seen or spoken to each other in 7 months. And I'm not sure I want to.

I went back and reread this whole blog. All my feelings and inner secrets. I had also copy/pasted posts that she had put in her blog. Yeah I did some things wrong but she was just vile. She called me a filthy rotten floppy whore. She made sure Dana's parents would hate me too. She wrote about me in her blog, calling me a slut. I'm pretty certain she had access to Dana's email at the time because she was quoting things I had written to him and totally misconstrued things. She broke into my blogs and deleted my public blog, threatened me. And all of this was done after I broke up with him.

She knew the reasons we broke up. All of them are listed here. He smothered me, obsessed over me, followed me around like a puppy, was all over me and on my ass constantly. He lacked maturity in relationships and maturity in dealing with the real world. I put up with it as long as I could and I even tried to tell him what he was doing wrong. Finally I couldn't take it anymore.

It wasn't totally his fault, it's just that in that space in time we were not meant to be together. 2 breakups later, he has gained the maturity. He has learned lessons that most of us learned in our teens. He has come along way baby.

I love him. I am in love with and I want to be with him. I want things to be good. With us. With our friends. With our families. But I just don't know if I can let down my guard. She said some really nasty things and even let me know that she knew I was no good from the start. I suppose that some of that is just words, spoken in anger but darn it, it is those words and the way they made me feel that I just can't forget.

I hope someday I can just draw a line in the sand and start fresh. Skip the past. But at this point my feelings and nagging thoughts keep haunting me. I won't be able to socialize in his hometown or participate in any functions because of all the things she said about me. I can't even face her or her parents. If it could just be me and Dana I'd be ok. I'm even ok with him doing stuff with them without me. Maybe what I can't deal with is the initial meeting. I don't even know what it would take to get past this. I don't know how to get past the over all feeling of not being good enough.

I declined for tonight. I asked him to thank her for the invite but that I don't feel it is a good setting to try to put bad feelings to rest. Plus I had told Sarah I would be home with her tonight and we could watch a scary movie together.

Maybe I'll suggest getting together this weekend. Maybe invite her and Mike over for dinner. Even the thought of it makes the nerves in my stomach stand on end. Sometimes I think I could just puke over the whole situation.