Hanging from a cliff

And climbing back again.

One thing I am not is confrontational. I get mad but mostly keep it to myself. I don't follow through on threats. I have a hard time sticking up for me. I will fight to the death for my kids but when it comes to me? Well, I'll be ok. No big deal.

Yeah, I know. How can I expect other people to respect my feelings and words when I don't? How can I expect people to take me at my word when I waver so easily?

He has told me many times to just be open and honest and up front with him. He's not a mind reader and doesn't buy into the whole body language mumble jumble. Don't worry about his feelings. Just say it. Whatever IT is. OK. I can do that.

Friday night we went out with friends. Had a Volcano Bowl, good chinese food, better conversation and loads of fun at a pool hall afterwards. I drank and I flirted. By the time we got home my world was spinning and my belly was flopping. I made the announcement "No sex tonight". Yup, just that blunt.

He was pissed. I shouldn't have been so blunt and crude. I shouldn't have flirted with him all night. He can smell my pussy so he knows I want it. Huh??? The pussy remark was about an hour and a half into this long drawn out discussion/fight. I got up and took a shower. Miss Kitty got the scrubbing of her life. No one will smell my pussy for a long time.

Now I was getting all worked up for nothing. There was no need for me to over react. Once again I was blowing it all out of proportion.


The cat came to the bedroom window. I tried to open it but it works hard sometimes so I ended up leaving the bedroom and going out to the front door to let her in. Just about the time I opened the door and called to her, he opened the window and let her in. That fucking fucker was playing mind games with me. When I came back into the bedroom, I thanked him, in my snarkiest voice.

He turned the whole thing around to be about me getting all worked up. Ok whatever. It's all my fault. I'm a bitch. I'm inconsiderate and insensitive and downright mean. True. True. True. True. Everything bad you can think about me is true. I'm sorry. I apologize. I'm going to sleep now.

Well, now I wasn't being sincere. My tone was harsh, even though he doesn't believe in tone and body language. I just laid there. It was 2:29AM. He was huffing and puffing. Moving around. Wiggling his legs. Restless.

I was doing a great job of ignoring him. Too good of a job. Just as I was drifting into a good sleep, he spouted off something else that I don't exactly recall then almost shoved me out of bed.

My bed. In my house. All paid for with my money.

I blew the fuck up. I told him to pack his shit and get the fuck out. No man was going to put his hands on me like that. EVER.

"Oh geez hon, I hardly touched you"

My non confrontational side hadn't seen the likes of confrontational side in a LONG time. But the bitch was unleashed. No tears, no lumpy throat. Just pure unadulterated contempt and seething. I let him have it both barrels.

I did cave and relegated him to the couch. It was 3AM. I was tired. The kids were in the house. Shelby was howling her head off. Calm. I needed calm. About 4AM I finally drifted back to sleep. About 7AM he came back in the bedroom.

"Do you really want me to pack and leave?"

"Yes"

Considering we don't even live together or anything more serious, I don't think it's that big of a deal to kick someone out to their own house. He was all hurt. Upset. Scared the relationship was done. Professing his undying love for me, NO MATTER WHAT.

We talked more. We talked calmly. No decisions were made. He just didn't leave and I didn't force him. Saturday was a quiet day. Productive. I got alot of Spring cleaning done and I painted the trim in my bedroom. I am ready for my new carpet. (that's another story)

Saturday night he knew better than to approach me for anything. No announcements necessary. About 11ish we drifted into a peaceful sleep. About 2:45AM the usual bullshit started up again. He was feeling, groping, hoping. I was non responsive. Oh yeah, that's right he doesn't "get" body language. So he kept at me. He was getting angry that I wasn't complying. Finally by 4:30AM, I rolled on my back and said "OK let's get this overwith"

He starts to climb on top and was trying his best with the foreplay of kissing my neck and such. I just laid there. "I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do" he said as he was entering me. Don't worry babe, the writing is on the wall, the days are numbered, the time is short.

Afterward, I got up and went to the living room. I couldn't sleep. It was the second night of my weekend that I ended up with about 2-3 hours of sleep and endless hours of frustration and exasperation.

He came out to see what was wrong. Nothing. Not a thing.

Ok. And back to bed he went. My bed. In my room. My crisp luxurious sheets. My down blanket. My space. My happy place. That isn't my happy place anymore.

I dozed on the couch. Exhausted from him, everything about him. About 7AM he came out to try to get me to come to bed. I did, but made it clear not to touch me. I told him that I wouldn't sleep with him anymore. I told him that I am tired. Exhausted to distraction. I told him that he is staying home, ALL WEEK. I told him that I didn't know what was going to happen from there.

He was worried and sad looking. All day. He went out of his way to do things for me. It doesn't matter. He stayed the night last night and knew to not touch me. No kiss goodnight. We did laugh nad joke and few times during the day but I made sure to point out that doesn't mean that I am changing my mind.

I have all week on my own. I have all week to figure out how to put me first. I have all week to put together the words of goodbye. If I don't I'll go crazy. I have no choice at this point.

Yesterday was our 4 month anniversary. 4 MONTHS and I am insane. Crazy like a fox. I am done. I guess this is the NO MATTER WHAT he was talking about.