The cure

I haven't slept with alot of men. The ones I have slept with are still friends today. The relationship may be gone but the friendship has remained. I have never broken up or been broken up with anyone and had it actually be the end. That's why this is hard.

I broke up with Dana tonight. Not a cold turkey, never talk to each other again, breaking up. But we are no longer boyfriend and girlfriend. I don't think we will stay friends. He lacks the maturity to see beyond the sex and the relationship. But I'm willing to try.

It was brutal, very difficult but I didn't cry. Guess my tears were all used up on the last relationship.

The pattern of behaviour was becoming worse and worse. It was escalating right on track for the relationship to turn to physical violence. I was partly afraid to to end things, maybe that's why I didn't just end it. No clean slate. I was afraid he would freak out. Maybe hurt me. Maybe himself. Maybe not. Hopefully.

Anyways, single again. I feel like I have been cured. I can't even think about getting into another relationship. I don't even want to think about sex (for now). The loneliness is gone. The profound unhappiness is gone. I know now what I have always known. I am ok. Sometimes I just need a reminder.

I am healthy. Body and mind. I didn't get sucked into that cycle. I could have. I am good at taking blame. I'm good at taking my lumps. I am good at downing myself. But I am also good at seeing the forest for the trees. I can also see that a relationship built on control and manipulation is not a relationship at all. Even if those things are unintentional.

I love Dana. He has taught me alot and I had a lot of fun with him. My feelings for him have changed. My love has evolved into something more plutonic, but it is still love nonetheless.

I wish him well. I wish me well.