It really does hurt

A broken heart is more than just the blues. It's more than moping around and sadness. It hurts. Just as much as if a knife had been plunged into it.

I watched a movie today on the WE channel. I can't even remember what the name of it was but it starred Barbara Streisand and Jeff Bridges (I think). It was about a couple who agreed to a platonic marriage because sex complicates things. Well of course the woman fell in love with the man and wanted more. It was an ok movie. One of the things that really touched me was the insecurity of the female character. She felt she wasn't pretty enough and jumped on the first marriage proposal she got, even though the terms were a bit odd. She was worried about what it would take to please a man and lost track of what it would take to please herself. I can so relate to her. I am 39, a bit overweight. I am my own worse enemy when it comes to my self esteem but I have to be realistic and think that beauty is beyond the eye of the beholder. It's hard sometimes for a simple girl to get by in a cosmopolitan world. It's hard not being a stunning stand out beauty. Its hard having so much depend on physical appearances. It's hard when all these things are mostly my own voices and my own insecurity.
The other thing about the movie that was an eye opener for me was that you can't get by on half a relationship. This couple shared a passion for the arts but not for each other (at first). They wanted a mutual compatibility, a friendship, companionship. They wanted the reliability and security of "old love". They wanted all that without the complication of sex. They felt that sex and passion was an emotion that burned hot and fast and usually gave way to indifference and boredom. What they found out is that you need both. You need that mutual compatibility and friendship but you also need the intimacy of a sexual relationship.

What the movie made me realize was how much I miss the intimacy. How much I miss being touched and held and loved. I have a relationship with someone I am highly compatible with. We enjoy long talks and make contact every day. He is a good friend and provides me with an emotional relationship that I can't begin to put into words. He talks to me about problems and ideas. About nothing and everything. He listens to me. To my stories and issues. He offers advice and an ear in my times of need. He talks to me and listens to me, every day. But due to logistics and circumstances, he can't hold me. He can't take my hand in his and I can't rest my head on his shoulder.

I love him and have almost since I first met him. He is just that likeable and we are just that compatible. But sometimes my emotional self takes control of my logical self. I lose that line between loving and being in love. Sometimes I don't know how to separate that. I sort of feel that simply loving him is more long term. It is non threatening and wholely unselfish. It is ok and accepted. Being in love makes me selfish. Makes me want more from him. Makes me want to scheme and plan. Makes me more demanding and more emotionally unstable. Makes me physically sick with wanting. Makes my heart pound and ache with longing.

It's not just him or Him. Thoughts of being in love and someone being in love with me seem so elusive. That mutual yearning to be together seems to be a figment. I sometimes wonder if the "whole package " is possible or is it just the fictional ending of a Lifetime movie? And why does that wondering leave me with a lump in my throat?