Vulnerable

I've been a fool for him. For a long time. It's only because I have loved him so completely and unconditionally. Isn't that how you are supposed to love?

We're right back where we have been time and time again. Him making excuses. Me holding on. To nothing. I asked him today what his exit plan is and what his time frame is. His answer? Could be months or sooner but not years.

WTF is that and why am I even still thinking that I will win in this game? And win what? Someone who obviously has no regard for me? Someone who loves me but doesn't love me enough?

Excuses. Excuses. Excuses. That's all he has.

WHY can't I let go???? Why? WHy is it so darned hard? I am in such excrutiating pain that sometimes I can't even breath. ANd he doesn't see it or care. I'm just a sucker. I'm an enabler. I'm just a doormat. To be walked on. Again and again and again.

It's been months since I have been held and kissed and touched. Yet he has been making love with her every night. He says I am the one yet he is sleeping with her. He hasn't even let on that he wants out. She thinks they are still recovering from last Fall. She is still building a life with him. THey are still a couple. DOing stuff together. Laughing. And I'm alone. By myself. Unable to let go. Unable to move on. Trapped. Paralyzed by my feelings for him.

I feel on the verge of tears. I feel like this lump in my throat. I need a walk. A long walk.

He's upset that I "wrote it all down on the internet". In the moment he wasn't so sure the grass was greener on the other side of the fence. That's why he threw me under the bus and said I lied. He wasn't sure. He stayed with her because he wasn't sure.

Since that time he has creditors calling so much that he's not even answering his phone much and he is looking for a second job. She gave $40 to her daughter for gas last week and left them with no money for the week. He couldn't afford to pay me. He's all full of apologies. He'll get the money to me.

He's not sure. He's not so sure the grass is greener on the other side. My side.

It's an insult and a put down. The grass is very green on my side. He could be living a good life with me. Somewhat finacially secure. In a loving, passionate, affectionate relationship. Partners in life for life. It's not like he would have in a cold environment. Quite the opposite. Life wouldn't be better just for the money. It just would have been better all the way around. Not to mention, I haunt his soul as much as he haunts mine. He can't forget either.

He reaps what he sows. He'll continue the downward spiral as long as he continues living a lie.

Keeping that door open

Earl called this morning.

He's been paying, every two weeks just like clockwork.

Sat the check wasn't there. I figured he put it in the mail late and I was secretly thinking he was finally making the break by ditching me. I figured I would wait until Tuesday then call if it wasn't there. I was really expecting his number to be changed and him to be gone. I've come to realize that I never know what to expect.

He called this morning. Just wanted to let me know he was goign to pay but he is late. Didn't want me to think he was ditching me. Haha...that's exactly what I thought. That's exactly what he has done over and over again.

Then he told me he was sorry for everything and that he still thinks about me alot. I confessed I think about him too. He told me that Dana tried to stay friends with him and Deb. I told him how things with Dana had gone down and how fucked up Dana's family was. I told him how I ended it for good on New Year's Eve. I also told him I didn't care if they all stayed friends, it meant nothing to me. He assured me that they weren't. Whatever.

He said he misses talking to me.

Doesn't he know how wrecked he has made things? I can't imagine myself without him and yet I can never be with him. Limbo. What a sucky place to be.

I hope someday I will just stop thinking about him. I hope. But somehow I don't think so.

Trust and the lack thereof

I'm still talking to Dana. We've been chatting and playing cribbage online. It's been good. For the most part. We have gotten together a couple of times and it's been ok. We have stayed plutonic. And it was good. But yesterday was different.

We know we'll never get back together. He doesn't trust me and I can't go back to the madness. And I don't trust him either. Our last "time" together really showed me a side of him that was unnerving to say the least. Yesterday we had agreed to get together to watch the final race. He came over and we got along great. He was getting really affectionate with me but not pushing too far. It was nice to be in his arms. It's amazing how much I miss the human touch.

Last night about 6:30 he started eyeing the clock and made the comment that he should think about heading home. It does make me sad but I'm ok with it. I really am. I do get a bit weepy around him and I have just been so vulnerable. I am trying really hard to not hurt him all over again. I don't instigate conversations or any other contact. It has all been his choice. So anyways he started kissing me and really coming on to me. I knew what he wanted. I can't say that I really wanted it too but I wasn't against it. I held off for a little while but then one thing did lead to another. Once in tnhe bedroom, he started taking off his clothes and my clothes. It was passionate, not mechanical at all. Before we got into bed I asked him to make me one promise. He said sure. I said please don't let this be like last time. He looked me in the eye and said "it's not. Not at all"

It was over in about 5 min. I will say it felt good to get him off so quick but that was about the extent of it. Once he came, the tenderness was gone. Just like a light switch he was off. He got up and went to the bathroom. I waited for him to come out and when he did, he approached me, didn't take me in his arms or act loving, he just asked that we "keep this between us".

Um....what is there to tell and to whom? Never again. We talked later on and we agreed it wasn't right and never will be again. He said the "we" shouldn't have done it. I was honest and told him that the only reason I did was because I didn't want to hurt him further by rejecting him and we did have a really awesome day together. I know nothing is different. I know we aren't getting back together. I don't want to either.

Life is sad. Right now I hate myself. I hate all that I am and all that I have become. I feel like my love for Earl has taken prisoner of war and I am still paying the price over and over again. The punishment just goes on and on. The feelings of betrayal....all the way around are just overwhelming. The feelings of desolation keep washing over me like a tsunami. I feel lonely and blue and lost and cast aside and thrown away and it's just not letting up.

I know I need to cut ties with Dana. I know that it's going no where. I guess i just feel that no matter how little it is at least I'm not totally alone. Yet sometimes with him I feel more alone than ever. I don't know what I need. I don't know what I want. I just don't know how to get through this.

Letter to his Mom

Dear Montie,

Fuck you!!

Just me

I heard from a good source

That Dana thinks I MADE IT ALL UP about earl.

Yeah, that's it. For 4 years now I have been making it up. I have been blogging imagination and fantasy. I loaned him money because I was making it up. I let him live in my house for FREE because I was making it. His girlfriend should check his phone bill. I guess I made up all the text messages and phone calls and pic messages he sent too. Check the numbers Debbie. Look for 207-575-**** and of course my cell #. Look at the HOURS we chatted. I must have made ALL THAT UP. You can bet if I could come up with a print out of his text messages you'd see I was insane but I WASN'T MAKING IT UP.

Oh and earl- why don't you tell Dana how you call him too short behind his back and have always critizied his stature and size. Neither one of you are very big men in the ways that count and that is in taking care of your woman. earl you were so ready to throw debbie on her ear. How many times did you complain of her laziness and how you were sick of her riding your coat tails. WHat fucking coat tails? You don't have any coat tails. THe closest thing you had was me. But Debbie already knows what you are after all you were still with Gayle when you started fucking her. ANd if there's any question about your honor and how far back it goes...ask Gayle about how good it was to fuck in earl's boat on the androscoggin river by the wire bridge in turner when he was still married to Michelle.

I NEVER BEGGED dana to come back. Far from it. I was sad to see things end in the way they did and I never wanted to hurt his feelings but in the end his looneyness was more than I could stand. ANd ask Chrissy about dana's outbursts and immature behaviour. SHe was quite sympathetic when she asked how things were going and I confided in her.


You can all go blow.

This was Dana's email to his friends

Hey you two! What's up? I don't if you have heard yet or not but Tammy and I are finished for good. I have moved out and am staying at my parents until my tenants can find another place. I told them it was no rush. Tuesday night I found out the bitch was using me. She posted in her private blog that she was gonna wait until spring to throw me out because she couldn't afford to do it right now. She had it in her head that Earl Gardner my tenant had a thing for her and she was really in love with him. She thought he would leave his girlfriend for her. Please! His girl is 10 times better looking than her. I guess he had talked to her about his relationship with Deb and that he was kinda spooked about getting married next july. She misconstrued shit big time. Earl is pisseId that she posted that stuff and doesn't want anything to do with her. Now she has no one. She begged me to come back. I said no fucking way. You can ask paula, Jason, Chrissy, and Troy. They all read was what she wrote. I had like 6 or 8 pages of shit. What a physco bitch! So on that note get ready for the grand reopening of Shooter's bar and grill coming spring/summer 2009. Woo Hoo! I can't wait. Maybe I'll meet someone by then. I heard Carrie Underwood is looking for someone. I got a job at LL Beans starting Nov. 10th.It's only seasonal but I got my foot in the door. Are you going to Chrystal Falls for the halloween show? Chrissy and Troy want to go if they can find a babysitter. I gonna go if everyone else does. Hope to see you there. Talk to you later SHOOTER HARTFORD

OMG.....what a week

I cannot believe this is where I have ended up.

I re-read all the stuff about Dana and ya know what? He was being a obsessive bastard and I DID tell him. Over and over again. It doesn't matter, this would have been the outcome and it would have gotten nasty either way. There is no way it would have gone down good. I miss the good times. I long for the good times but there were too many outbursts and bad behaviours to deal with. I couldn't see myself going on for years, a lifetime, like that. No way it could have happened. And Kathy knows it. Her mother knows it. Her mother offered Dana to move back in with them back in Aug when he had the yelling fit at me in earl's driveway about the stupid fucking hiking. They all knew he is volatile and stubborn and babyish. They knew it and know it. His own father spoke to him about his outburst at me. They all knew it without having hardly any interaction with us. We may as well have been on the moon as often as any of them visited.

Earl is a complete asshole. He is a liar. A cheat. A serial adulterer and manipulative bastard. He played on my emotions and made promises that he NEVER INTENDED to follow through on. I hate him and I hope he gets cancer in his cock and dies. I want my money from him then I NEVER want to see or hear from him again. He is like a tumor on my heart and soul and he is sucking the life out of me.He has sucked the life out of me. I am sooo done with him. I hope Debbie leaves him and not because I want his sorry ass but because he deserves it and she deserves better. Her and Dana should hook up. They could be each other's whole world. But truthfully at this point I couldn't give a sweet fuck what any of them do. They can all stay happy neighbors and heck, Dana can even move back into his trailer with them for all I care.

My stomach just won't settle down. I have that gnawing, eating feeling that isn't going away. I am in such turmoil that it's hard to concentrate. It's hard to function. It's hard to be me. I do miss Dana to a degree and I don't know if that's where this is coming from or if I am just so hurt and devastated by earl that I am still reeling from that.

I was hurt by Dana too on that last day. He fucked me then tried to degrade me. It was a big fat joke. He was right though. That was the last time. It's the last time I'll watch him jerk himself off because I obviously wasn't good enough to get him off. ANd I kept my TV. I felt like telling his posse` that it could have been an easier trip if he hadn't screwed up his chance at the TV. Boy am I glad he did. He didn't deserve it. He deserves that piece of shit shed that was put together all wrong. Frigging thing wasn't even level and it was racked on the top. Maybe someone over there can help him do it right.

Kathy is threatening to show Dana the "entire" blog. WHatever. Have at it sister. Maybe he'll finally see and hear what I tried to tell him for months. The bullshit went all the way back to Jan when he was an ass in WalMart in front of Lee. ANd that wasn't the first time. And I didn't even blog about Christmas and what a fucking nightmare that morning was. Alma's cheesecake meant sooo much to him that he totally embarrassed me in front of all of them. There was the day we went for ice cream and he forgot his lactaid. Jeezuz what a meltdown he had about that. He was mad that we went in Lee's car instead of mine (which had the lactaid). Well, fuck! she was being nice in offering her car and her gas. We simply forgot the lactaid. It was a fucking accident. We weren't trying to screw him over or leave him out. He could've still got the ice cream and we could have had it back at the parking lot (which was a 15 min ride) where my car was and all eaten it together but no. Even after I TOLD him how to handle the situation he stood and thought for minutes while the girl at the ice cream place was just looking at us then he decided against the ice cream. He is such a fucking baby that we ended up going back to the ice cream place afterwards to get him some. He is just so lacking in logical decision making.

He's hurt by me and the whole earl thing and I don't blame him. But if he really read this whole blog he would see all the places that I was leary and fighting this thing with earl. He would see all the times he and I had difficulties and I couldn't talk to him. He is right, the whole thing with earl would have probably blown over, no, it WOULD have blown over because he never had any intentions on choosing me. But the issues with Dana were just building. Those wouldn't have blown over.

It's better this way. Over and done with.

crazy voices

Nothing has really happened.

Mostly just my mind working double OT.
We've talked daily.
He tells me all the time how he feels.
He's making plans. We're making plans.

It's this damned timeframe. It is so deja vue. I can't help but think I'm going to be passed over again.

ANd I don't think I can last with Dana until Spring. It's too much. My mind is ready to explode.

I hate how I'm feeling right now. I feel so needy and vulnerable. I feel obsessive, checking my phone constantly. I'm feeling all the ways that drive me crazy about Dana.

Every song is Earl.
Every dream is Earl.
Every thought. Fleeting and otherwise.

I'm losing my mind. This is the closest I have been to where I want to be and I feel like I'm going to wreck it. My insanity is going to take over. Guess it's just my insecurity.

He truly has given me no reason other than dragging his feet to feel this way. The reason that is really bugging me is because he didn't drag his feet with the others. I wish he'd stop putting so much thought into it and put a little heart into it.

OMG.....the crazy voices are getting to me.

Trust

I trust him with all my worldly possessions.
I trust him with all my wicked secrets.
I trust him with my life.
But I don't trust him with my heart.

All is right with the world

Almost.

In time. And not a very a long time things will be put into motion.

He told me yesterday that he knows I have reservations. He knows that I'm worried it will be the same old story. He knows all that. He PROMISED this time is different. This time it will be about US. And we won't be waiting for Spring. He said "baby, I'm making you a solemn promise that this time we are going to make it work".

I hope so. I told him that I hope so. And I told him that I believe him. Because I do. This time is a charm.

We will try to let the others down gently but the fact of the matter is they are adults and will just have to figure out things on their own.

Dana and I are already starting to see the end coming. He pulled some immature crap with me on Saturday and I put him on notice. I told him I am done with those head games. I am done with his "kidding and taking it a little too far". I am done. He knows I mean it because yesterday I went shoe shopping, alone. He didn't call or text. I was gone about 3 hours (got some nice Eastlands). It was nice to just roam the shops and look at what I want when I want. I vacuumed my car. I didn't have to deal with a thousands questions on why would I pay $1.25 for the vacuum when I could just use the one at home. I got a jamocha shake at Arby's without the same old question "that's all your getting?".

The shed is mostly done. Dana still has some work to do on it. You'd think it was the Sistine Chapel as long as this is taking to finish. Dana has no initiative to get it done and I've lost all patience. It just seems like he only works on what I'm working on. He's been out of work for over a month now and we are no further ahead on the outdoor winterizing than we were a month ago. I guess that is part of my frustration. He doesn't have the get up and go. I know I shouldn't compare because everyone is different but I just want something different. I want someone who is fine with heading out to do the yardwork without always checking up and making sure that I'm working too. After the day that Dana stood and watched me shovel the dirt out from around the pool, I knew I was done. I knew this isn't what I'm looking for. I want someone who I can work togeher with but also someone who knows and understands and appreciates all that I do and not always checking up and accusing me of doing nothing. (yeah, did you know that I do NOTHING around the house? Yup, absolutely nothing as far as Dana is concerned)

I guess it really is time to make all this happen but there are still some obstacles. How it's going to work out is not yet worked out. Dana and I have tickets to 2 different shows over the next month and a half. One set of the tickets is no big deal because I bought them but I feel like I should buy the Jeff Dunham tickets from him since one of my co-workers is supposed to go with us. I don't know how things are going to work out with Earl and Deb in Dana's trailer. There is going to be double moving. Double fights. Double hurt feelings. Double anger. Double hostilities. And a million-fold trouble.

I think Earl wants to wait until Spring to put off the inevitable but will set his wheels in motion as soon as I do. I think he is just not wanting to go through all the BS but that is unavoidable. When he was over on Sat I couldn't be near him but on the other hand I couldn't stay away. He hugged me when they left (like he always does) and quickly whispered "soon". He called yesterday afternoon and said he couldn't take it much longer. He told me he loves me, is in love with me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. And he said that he knows he's hurt me over and over in the past but this time it's about me and us and he hopes that I feel the same way about him. I admitted I was afraid of being set up. I admitted that I love him, always have. I told him that I don't just love him, I'm in love with him and I told him that I love him in a much deeper way than just being in love. Yeah I want to jump his bones but my feelings are much deeper than that. He replied that he understands completely and said he feels the same way. He says we have gone down too many roads only to end up back here so it must be so that we should be together.

I feel like there is so much to say yet I don't want to jinx things. There is so much that I'm feeling that it scares me. My stomach is in a knot. I care about Dana and don't want to hurt him but that's unavoidable. I don't want to hurt Deb either but again, how can it be any other way? I have hurt for so long over this that even though I don't want to hurt others I can't give up my dream. I can't let it go this time.

**sigh** I really need a nap!

Resolution (or the lack thereof)

I love him....
....of that I am sure.

But I love me more.

I'm taking a chance. I have to. The next time we one of our "serious" talks I'll be telling him that we are done until we are single.

We haven't actually hooked up in person. It's been years since I have been in his arms. It's been years since I tasted his lips. And I want to. REAL BAD. But this isn't working. For me. For us. For them. It's fair to know one. It's time to stop putting so much thought into it and start putting some heart into it. There's no sense in waiting. For Spring or anything else. And if waiting is what he wants to do then he obviously doesn't want me as much as he wants to wait.

I love him. ANd I want to be with him. I DO think we can have a better than awesome life together. But this isn't it.

On the other hand, I care deeply for Dana. I'm not in love with him. I was, or at least I believe I was for a while. But we just aren't compatible. I'm not the girl for him and he's not the guy for me. We enjoy doing things together but his expectation of me is sooo far beyond what I am and vice versa. We could be good companions for ball games and hiking and a few other things that we enjoy doing but life time soul mates? Unfortunately, no. That isn't us.

No matter what happens or doesn't happen with Earl, things with Dana are not working out. I think I need to be up front with him. Let him know the direction this is going in and let him decide if he wants to wait it out or leave now. I really need his help financially but it's not right to use him and lead him on. I'm taking a good long look at my budget to determine how feasible this is. THe truth of the matter is my intentions are in the right place but I'm on survival mode.

Maybe Earl is right. Maybe now isn't the time. Maybe the Spring is better. Maybe. But if that's the case then we should just back off from each other and see what the Spring brings.

I'm in such turmoil. I want. I need. I love. I care. I worry. I hope. I yearn. I fear. Everything. I wish I could go back to the early days of mine and Dana's relationship. He was good for me and I was good for him. BUt we have proven a couple of times over that we can't sustain it. We just get crazier over time. I want to do the right thing. I want to follow my heart. Unfortunately those two things aren't even close to same thing right now.

Someone please tell me what to do and how to do it.

The feelings are like a tidal wave today

He's called. At least a half dozen times this morning. After the last conversation I texted him and asked "You want me don't you?"

To which he responded "O ya"

Then he sent me a pic of himself smiling, in that way that just gets me. Then he texted "do you want me?"

To which I responded "I want you"
"I need you"
"I love you"
"More than you know"
He sent back a smiley face and said "I love U 2"
"more than you know"

How on Earth am I going to make it until Spring? And why should I?

Don't mind me

I'm trying really hard to not dwell.
I'm trying really hard to get through each day.
I'm trying really hard to be fair to Dana.
I'm trying really hard to really examine this relationship I'm in before I ditch it.
I'm trying to be sure.
I'm trying to give it the chance it deserves.
I'm trying to not have so much communication with Earl, since he does cloud things for me.
I'm trying.

Do you have any idea?

That was my text to him.

He called later on. He has many ideas.

Do I have any idea how much you love me?
Do I have any idea how horny you are?
Do I have any idea how much you want me?

Soon...it's going to happen soon. Not soon enough. Soon is a very subjective word. My idea of soon is different than yours and yours is different than someone else's. Guess it just depends on how patient you can be.

The timing isn't right now anyways. Dana is still out of work. Winter is coming on. Hearts will be broken. Excuses Excuses Excuses. Some are mine, some are his. All are ours.

We had a long talk. Lots of promises made. I'm still sitting here, leary. Wanting and hoping and dreaming so hard but my heart's not leaping over that moon just yet. It's lept to many times only to crash land on the other side.

His words, ringing true in my ears, hoping against hope that what he says is what will be. "I will make you so happy. I promise this will all be worth it"

Over an hour the phone dance went on. Soft whispers. Him telling me how it's going to be. Love and respect and freedom and security. Working together toward a common goal. Making love all night long. No more petty arguments. No more being alienated from my family and friends. No more walking on eggshells. He's going to love me so hard that it'll take my breath away.

He asked where I was. I told him but but I was too close to home and he was too far away to meet. He said it's probably just as well since if he saw me he may have to just say "fuck it" and set the wheels in motion. And we have agreed that we are going to try to end things gently. May not be possible but we don't have to throw things in the face of those who love us to distraction and are dependant on us.

He said "you know, you are the best thing that ever happened to Dana and I'm the best thing that ever happened to Debbie". Yes I agree on both accounts. And that is not being smug, it is the truth. But that doesn't change the fact that they are not the best thing to happen to us. I don't know if Earl is the best thing that ever happened to me. SOmetimes it feels like a life sentence. I've been doing hard time for 4 years now. But I do know that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. He's said so and I know so. I do think that he could be the best thing that has ever happened to me. Could be.

Dana's parents stopped over today. There was a series of events that happened and Dana really needed them to show and they did. But they only showed up because they thought Earl was going to be here helping with the roof of the shed. He had cancelled. Dana's mom went on and on about how good things have worked out with Earl in Dana's trailer. How much Dana's Dad likes Earl and all the things they do together. She went on and on about all the reasons why his dad likes Earl so much. She went on and on.

The ripple just keeps getting bigger. It seems that Dana and Debbie aren't the only ones who will be heartbroken. I mentioned a while back that Dennis will miss him when he is gone and he was wistful. He's going to miss Dennis (Dana's Dad) too. He was like a dad to him. A good dad. Doing things together. They have forged a bond.

I wish life was easy. I wish things weren't in such a tangle. I wish I could make this thing with Dana work and I wish I could forget Earl. But I can't. I have tried to make things work with Dana. I really have. They just aren't. I have tried to forget Earl. I really have. But I just can't.

I guess the real question is "Do I have any idea"?

Do I have any idea how hard all of this is going to be?