Resolution (or the lack thereof)

I love him....
....of that I am sure.

But I love me more.

I'm taking a chance. I have to. The next time we one of our "serious" talks I'll be telling him that we are done until we are single.

We haven't actually hooked up in person. It's been years since I have been in his arms. It's been years since I tasted his lips. And I want to. REAL BAD. But this isn't working. For me. For us. For them. It's fair to know one. It's time to stop putting so much thought into it and start putting some heart into it. There's no sense in waiting. For Spring or anything else. And if waiting is what he wants to do then he obviously doesn't want me as much as he wants to wait.

I love him. ANd I want to be with him. I DO think we can have a better than awesome life together. But this isn't it.

On the other hand, I care deeply for Dana. I'm not in love with him. I was, or at least I believe I was for a while. But we just aren't compatible. I'm not the girl for him and he's not the guy for me. We enjoy doing things together but his expectation of me is sooo far beyond what I am and vice versa. We could be good companions for ball games and hiking and a few other things that we enjoy doing but life time soul mates? Unfortunately, no. That isn't us.

No matter what happens or doesn't happen with Earl, things with Dana are not working out. I think I need to be up front with him. Let him know the direction this is going in and let him decide if he wants to wait it out or leave now. I really need his help financially but it's not right to use him and lead him on. I'm taking a good long look at my budget to determine how feasible this is. THe truth of the matter is my intentions are in the right place but I'm on survival mode.

Maybe Earl is right. Maybe now isn't the time. Maybe the Spring is better. Maybe. But if that's the case then we should just back off from each other and see what the Spring brings.

I'm in such turmoil. I want. I need. I love. I care. I worry. I hope. I yearn. I fear. Everything. I wish I could go back to the early days of mine and Dana's relationship. He was good for me and I was good for him. BUt we have proven a couple of times over that we can't sustain it. We just get crazier over time. I want to do the right thing. I want to follow my heart. Unfortunately those two things aren't even close to same thing right now.

Someone please tell me what to do and how to do it.