Vulnerable

I've been a fool for him. For a long time. It's only because I have loved him so completely and unconditionally. Isn't that how you are supposed to love?

We're right back where we have been time and time again. Him making excuses. Me holding on. To nothing. I asked him today what his exit plan is and what his time frame is. His answer? Could be months or sooner but not years.

WTF is that and why am I even still thinking that I will win in this game? And win what? Someone who obviously has no regard for me? Someone who loves me but doesn't love me enough?

Excuses. Excuses. Excuses. That's all he has.

WHY can't I let go???? Why? WHy is it so darned hard? I am in such excrutiating pain that sometimes I can't even breath. ANd he doesn't see it or care. I'm just a sucker. I'm an enabler. I'm just a doormat. To be walked on. Again and again and again.

It's been months since I have been held and kissed and touched. Yet he has been making love with her every night. He says I am the one yet he is sleeping with her. He hasn't even let on that he wants out. She thinks they are still recovering from last Fall. She is still building a life with him. THey are still a couple. DOing stuff together. Laughing. And I'm alone. By myself. Unable to let go. Unable to move on. Trapped. Paralyzed by my feelings for him.

I feel on the verge of tears. I feel like this lump in my throat. I need a walk. A long walk.