Trust and the lack thereof

I'm still talking to Dana. We've been chatting and playing cribbage online. It's been good. For the most part. We have gotten together a couple of times and it's been ok. We have stayed plutonic. And it was good. But yesterday was different.

We know we'll never get back together. He doesn't trust me and I can't go back to the madness. And I don't trust him either. Our last "time" together really showed me a side of him that was unnerving to say the least. Yesterday we had agreed to get together to watch the final race. He came over and we got along great. He was getting really affectionate with me but not pushing too far. It was nice to be in his arms. It's amazing how much I miss the human touch.

Last night about 6:30 he started eyeing the clock and made the comment that he should think about heading home. It does make me sad but I'm ok with it. I really am. I do get a bit weepy around him and I have just been so vulnerable. I am trying really hard to not hurt him all over again. I don't instigate conversations or any other contact. It has all been his choice. So anyways he started kissing me and really coming on to me. I knew what he wanted. I can't say that I really wanted it too but I wasn't against it. I held off for a little while but then one thing did lead to another. Once in tnhe bedroom, he started taking off his clothes and my clothes. It was passionate, not mechanical at all. Before we got into bed I asked him to make me one promise. He said sure. I said please don't let this be like last time. He looked me in the eye and said "it's not. Not at all"

It was over in about 5 min. I will say it felt good to get him off so quick but that was about the extent of it. Once he came, the tenderness was gone. Just like a light switch he was off. He got up and went to the bathroom. I waited for him to come out and when he did, he approached me, didn't take me in his arms or act loving, he just asked that we "keep this between us".

Um....what is there to tell and to whom? Never again. We talked later on and we agreed it wasn't right and never will be again. He said the "we" shouldn't have done it. I was honest and told him that the only reason I did was because I didn't want to hurt him further by rejecting him and we did have a really awesome day together. I know nothing is different. I know we aren't getting back together. I don't want to either.

Life is sad. Right now I hate myself. I hate all that I am and all that I have become. I feel like my love for Earl has taken prisoner of war and I am still paying the price over and over again. The punishment just goes on and on. The feelings of betrayal....all the way around are just overwhelming. The feelings of desolation keep washing over me like a tsunami. I feel lonely and blue and lost and cast aside and thrown away and it's just not letting up.

I know I need to cut ties with Dana. I know that it's going no where. I guess i just feel that no matter how little it is at least I'm not totally alone. Yet sometimes with him I feel more alone than ever. I don't know what I need. I don't know what I want. I just don't know how to get through this.