Very productive weekend

On many levels this past weekend was very productive. Sarah's room is all painted, including trim. I hung her new curtains and made up her bed with the new linen. New carpet is on the way as well so we didn't move alot of her stuff back in just yet. As you know I tend to put alot of time and energy into my house at this time of year. I don't know what it is. Maybe just the thought of Spring and everything being brand new or maybe I get my income tax and it's the only time of year I have any money to work with. Yeah, that's probably it.

Anyways, this year will be fairly minor things. Sarah's room is being redone. It's already been painted and now we are waiting on carpet. We are also painting all of her furniture white.

I am having new carpet put in the living room and my bedroom as well. It's going to be a berber and hopefully it will hold up well. My old carpet has been there for 11 years. 2 kids, a dog, a couple of cats and lots of company have rendered it just about unfit to walk on.

The only other thing I want to do this year is I really want a 32" flat panel TV to hang on the wall in my bedroom. Frivolous I know, but I just can't help it. If I win a lottery, that will be the first thing I buy. Until then it will be a "major want but probably won't get" item.

I am also painting the trim in my room. Taking down the old yucky miniblind to paint the trim got me to thinking. I was going to spend hours and lots of elbow grease to clean the blind but then I decided to see how much it would be to replace it. $3.68 at Wal-Mart. Holy Cow Batman, guess I'll replace the ones in the dining room too. I ended up taking down the miniblinds in 3 windows. While I had them down I decided I may as well clean the windows. I ended up washing 7 windows. Inside and out. The tracks, the outside sills, the works. Took about a half hour apiece but they are truly sparkling now. I only have the 5 in the living room and the 4 in the basement left to clean now.

I cleaned another thing that I have never cleaned in the 11 years I have lived there. The little tilt out drawers under the kitchen sink. You know the place where you store the SOS pads and sink plugs. They were gross to the nth power. Mostly the rust from the SOS pads. I didn't realize that the tray could be lifted off the screws and washed in the sink. They look like brand new too.

Shelby was so darned cute all weekend. My mother gave her a bed that her cat wouldn't sleep on. It is one of those ones that has a roof so she can go inside or the roof can be scrunged down to look like a traditional dog bed. We had it open like a tent but Shelby messed with it enough so that one side came down and the other side stayed up and it looks like a sofa. She lays on that thing for hours. She puttered around with me all weekend. I would carry the sofa from room to room with me as I was cleaning and painting and she would lay there and watch me. Very content. She really is the best dog I could have asked for.

Things with Dana have improved too. We almost split up on Sat morning. In all my hysteria I was finally able to tell him things, without regard to his feelings, that needed to be said. He couldn't see that he was smothering me, stalking me, obsessing over me. Now he does. Now he sees that the worst thing that could happen is that we split up and even that is not Earth shattering, so he has relaxed. He is giving me some space. He doesn't follow me from room to room anymore. He helped me with my projects but didn't feel like he had to be working on the same thing I was working on all the time. He has stopped keeping score. I told him that we can't always keep track of who has done what for each other. We need to give of ourselves just because. We also need to be mindful of what is possible and what is not possible for the other person to give. And not get judgemental on it. I told him that if he feels like he is waiting on me to just stop. If he feels used just stop doing things. If he isn't doing things because he wants to then he should stop, because I expect nothing from him. I appreciate everything he does but logistically there is no way I can return all the favors. I can't shovel off his roof and I'm not at his house often enough to do a gazillion loads of laundry.

I know that he does alot for me. More than any other man ever has, but those "things" don't give him a right to try to control me or be possessive of my time. Those things do not give him license to be unreasonably demanding. Those things aren't what made me fall in love with him and they can't keep me in love with him. I explained it's the emotional relationship and confidence in himself that will keep it together. If I feel burdened emotionally or if he does then sooner or later it will be too much. I was reaching that point fast. Whether this will last, I don't know but he was more like the old Dana that I fell for and he told me I was like the old Boo that he fell for. We are still pulling back and just casually dating. No more spending weeks at a time together. We will see each other on weekends and maybe a night during the week. I am just not ready for anything more major than that. Hopefully this will last.

As far as my trip to Baltimore goes, I am planning a weekend with a special friend but it is a plutonic weekend. There was a time when I think we both could have and would have wanted more but now we are just best buds. I will be taking in the sights in DC, checking out the baby panda and wandering around the Inner Harbor of Baltimore. I will tell Dana about it but for now I'm just keeping it under my hat. My mother is also going to be in Baltimore that weekend so I will finally be able to introduce her to my best bud. He was a huge help and support system for my entire family when my cousin died last year and they have all wanted to meet him and thank him personally for being there so this will be nice.

I know that Dana will not be favorable on this trip which is why I'm keeping it under my hat. And I understand. Really I do. Probably I would feel jealous and insecure if it were the other way around. But I guess that is how I know that I don't want, can't have more than what we have right now. I have told him that I am not ready for a committed relationship. I have told him that I don't want to be tied down. He says he doesn't either just yet. I should want to bring him along with me but I don't. I feel like I couldn't relax and do what I want if he was along. He understands my passion for photography but gets bored with it quickly. He likes to be busy. He likes to have an itinerary. He likes to know exactly what he is going to do and when he is going to do it. In short, his idea of vacation would wear me out. He gets moody and grumpy and tired and spouts off when plans change or things don't go his way. He isn't able to just flow with the go. Kinda like I wouldn't enjoy going on a hunting trip, he wouldn't enjoy my photo safari. Besides it's really not a vacation. It's more of an opportunity. My bud isn't on my coast very often and I feel an overwhelming desire to never miss the chance to see him when he is. And the deal with my mom being there too just cinched it for me.

Guess I'm getting wordy with the whole explanation because I know down deep that it isn't right or fair but that's not changing things for me. I am wrong and I know it. But I am still going to do it. Will I be sneaky and try to get away with something that should just be out in the open? Seems that way. I am also just vegging for now, to see where things do go with dana and I. Will last weekend really last? Am I sabotaging it? Will I change my mind before May 4? I surely don't know . I may but I doubt it. The only thing that may change is I may invite Dana along but only if I think it will be something we can both enjoy.

Blah Blah Blah......I am feeling badly and wrong but for now there have been so many downs in the relationship that I feel like I need to just wait it out and see if I even need to argue about it or if it will be worth arguing about.