Mumbo jumbo

That's my life. My head. My thoughts.

I can't think. I can't stop thinking.

Tell me what to do.

Tell me how I should handle my life.

I haven't been able to do a very good job of that lately.

On the surface, I'm fine. But my stomach is churning.

Dana is driving me crazy. Even though we are not officially boyfriend/girlfriend. He thinks I should be texting, calling, answering his call all the time.

NO.

The answer is NO. I don't answer to anyone.

I miss alot of calls that I don't return for days.

I am not singling him out. Yet.

He's mad that I lie. That I sneak. That I don't divulge.

His perceptions. His problem.

I do feel like a liar. He is constantly questioning everything and catching me up in my own words.

I am a sneak. Because I have to. It sucks.

I don't divulge and I'm not going to start now.

I reminded him again that we are just friends. And we are just friends for this exact reason.

Leave me the heck alone.

But who am I kidding. My issues are deeper than Dana and his obsessiveness.

My heart belongs to another. Another who has done me wrong over and over again.

Why do I do it to myself.

Why do I let him do it to me.

No hopes. No dreams. Wishes are for stars.

Two years and we still keep coming back to each other. Why? Is it Kismet?

Why is water under the bridge the end for one but just a vessel for another?

How much longer can I float in this water? How much closer does the water have to get to the bridge before I give up? Cede defeat?

I'm demanding a recount. Check all the chads. I won't go down without a fight. I can't bring myself to cede defeat.

Not now. Not when he is coming home. Not when he is making wordless promises again.

God my head hurts