Can't seem to stop crying
The tears that didn't come yesterday can't seem to stop flowing today.
Doubts. Fear. Longing for what could have been.
He drove me nuts. I was begging for space and freedom. It hasn't even been 24 hours and I miss him. So much.
What could I have done? Should I have done to make things better? I wonder if he could handle being friends and if we work back into something more great, if not that's ok too?
I have glanced at my phone a hundred times today. The same phone I used to hide in my coat pocket so I wouldn't have to see it, hear it. I looked for the words "text message". The same words I had grown to dread.
It's like giving birth. So many quiet thoughts, planning. Anticipating, dreading. Dealing with the pain. The waves of emotion flooding over you, drowning you only to be pulled back. Thinking you can't take another minute of it then you give one last push. The searing pain feels like it is ripping you apart. Then it's over. You collapse in a pool of your own sweat. Exhausted. Needing rest, yet exhilerated.
Then the next day comes. The emotions all in a funk come trotting into the room and open the flood gates. The biggest difference is you don't have the sweet cherub to cuddle. No, in this case you are alone. All alone.
Alone is not so bad, but it's not great either. Was the pain really as bad as I thought? Was I really bordering on insanity or was it all in my head? Can it all be put back together?
I love him. I do. But I need him to be different than what he is now. I need him to be the same as he was then. Is it true that you can never go back? Should never go back?
I'm not used to this. One lethal blow and it's done. I'm used to it being dragged out for 5 years. I don't want that but I don't want this either.
I'm not going to call him but if he calls me I will answer. I want to know that he is ok. I want to feel better again.
PS...Fly doesn't read me so the birth analogy won't be read by her.
7 comments:
be gentle with you, honey, k? an ending is nearly always painful even if necessary.
(((boobabe))) Even when you know being a couple is not going to work, loving someone and sharing your hopes, dreams, passions, and time with them (even if only for a short ammount of time), makes an impression on your heart. like leen said, most endings are painful.
*hugs* take care of you, m'kay?
just checking in on you. give us a wave so we know you're okay, k?
(((boo)))
I'm sorry Honey. Breakups are the worst...
Take good care of you please.
grief is part of the process of acceptance. of course you're not happy now, there'd be something wrong with you if you were.
the thing is, you didn't love him, not really. you loved the potential you saw in him. you loved what you could have been together, not what you actually were together.
do not ever take the blame for something he did. there was nothing you could have done except to not be yourself. trust me when i tell you that if you have to compromise who you are to be with a man, then that man is not and never will be worth it and you'll only end up where you are today with four times the heartbreak. you saw the signs, you did what you needed to and should have done, please do not second guess yourself.
honey, go back and read your entries about him... the recent ones. read again how miserable you were. remember those feelings. you do not ever want to go back to that or continue in that, i promise you.
because when you're with someone like that, you're still alone.
also, if you feel like you have to hide part of yourself (your blog) from the man you're with because he'll use it against you -- that's another sign of things gone wrong.
(i hope i'm not being too blunt... sorry if i am) my heart goes out to you for the hurt you're feeling, but you should keep moving forward, don't wish for the past. xoxo
what jammie said
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