Conflicted

I'm not really though. I'm just going through life as if it were a charmed life.

I am awful. I am delusional. I am pathetic. I am undeserving. I am what I am.

He called me today. There is no such thing as out of sight out of mind. This is not over. It just isn't. Never will be. Never will be started either but it surely isn't done.

It has been 10 days since I talked to him. And it was about that long since our conversation before that. We don't talk daily. We don't need to. I don't need to. He's miserable. I knew he would be. The job market is horrible. I knew it would be. He's not saving the day like he thought he could. I knew it wasn't possible. But I would never say "I told you so".

"I love you"

He said the words 6 times in a 15 minute conversation. "I miss you" was uttered almost as much.

I love and miss him too, but now it's different. Now I am content, just like he has always been, in the knowledge. It doesn't have to be anything more. I know it won't be anything more. I feel aflutter and at peace knowing for sure what I knew all along. Sometimes the things that are meant to be just really aren't meant to be and that is ok. I am ok.

Will he come back to Maine? Yeah, I think he will. I'm pretty certain of it. Is there room for him in my life? Yes, there has to be. Is there room for me in his life? Seems like he can't quit me any more than I can quit him. Will we ever be more than friends? Maybe, occasionally, on the side. Will we ever be a couple? No. Will I ever stop loving him? No.

Where does that leave the current relationship? It has no effect. I love Dana and mostly enjoy my time with him. If it evolves into something more, then the "maybe" in the last paragraph will be a "no"; if we can't go any further then who knows?

I'm not sure of much these days, but I am sure that I am a survivor and somewhat of a solitary soul. I know that I need love and nurturing but I also need space and freedom. Not to sneak around or to be an infidel but just to have a small part of me back. I know that I am in a potentially great relationship but we need work. I know that I also love a man that I will never be with. I know that somehow this is my life and it is what it is.