Mixed emotions

Earl came over last night. It was the next to the last time I'll ever see him in my life. He is moving to MO. He's leaving on Friday morning. I have been fine with it. Almost welcomed it. I needed to get past him. I needed to move on. I needed to love again and be in love again. I needed someone who loved me back. Now I have those things but my feelings for Earl are a bit unresolved.

Moving on is one thing, never seeing him again is tearing me up. I can't stand the thought of it. I really can't. But I have to. He is doing what he needs to do. He says he'll be back for visits but I know that he won't. Not because he wouldn't want to but because life happens and time gets away from us. We'll still talk and remain good friends. We've come too far to not at least do that. And no matter what he has put me through, the fact of the matter is I love him. Always have and always will. Some faucets are just not meant to ever be turned off. Adjusting the temperature but never turning it off.

I am going over on Thursday evening to help with last minute packing. He asked me to and I want to. I want a chance to talk to him, alone. Even if it's only 10 min. I will ask for that much. I want to give him a hug and talk to him, one on one. Nothing threatening to our current relationships. Not trying to drudge up the past. I just want to tell him, once and for all the depth of my feelings for him. In spite of everything. Everyone should be loved as much as I love him. We all deserve that. He's always taken comfort in the knowledge that I care about him and love him.

It has taken me well over 2 years to figure out why he didn't want to build on our relationship. It has taken me two years to finally come to terms with the fact that chemistry and love doesn't always lead to a relationship. He is the one who was and is and always will be out of perspective. There is just something about him that I can't quit. The lack of an answer is suddenly my answer. There is no particular reason for the heartache and heartbreak other than fate. Simple and complex twists of fate.

I don't want to think of not seeing him again. I don't want to have to try to imprint his image and his touch and his smell on my mind, but that's the way it is. At least we have the chance to say good bye. At least there is a chance one or the other of us will travel to see the other. Although I really don't think either of us will make that happen.

Good bye Earl. I love you and always will.