In hiding

Do you ever just want to hide? Yeah, me too.

Are you ever painfully honest and upfront and wish you had thought it through first? Uh huh...that would be me.

Do you ever wish the world wasn't so full of blasted hang ups? Guess that'll never happen.

Do you wish the world could see situations through your eyes? Guess they never will.

I am honest, open, nothing to hide. I could bury feelings and never speak of them but does that change those feelings? No it doesn't. For me, talking it through, facing it head on is the only way to cope. For me hiding only takes place when I don't trust the situation. When I don't trust that I won't judged, and judged harshly.

I started this blog as a place to be totally honest and raw whenever I want. No judgements. No scornful comments. No raised eyebrows. I'm just not always very good at judging what should be posted here and not on the public blog.

I talked about Earl on both blogs. I was open and honest. I have nothing to hide. I am not trying to sneak around behind anyone's back. I am not scheming to try to hang on to something that isn't there. I just need to work through things. I need to let go and I need to do that in my own time and place.

But it is coming back to haunt me. It is putting my new relationship in jeopardy. Maybe I am just not ready to be in a relationship. I see hiding things and being secretive as the dangers in the relationship. Others see things a little more narrow scoped than that. Other's think that even talking can be a danger. WTF.....the feelings have to be dealt with or they smolder. Ignoring them or not talking about them doesn't make them go away.

I am not still pining for Earl. I have come to terms with the relationship. I am very happy with Dana. I am very content with Dana. I love Dana and I'm in love with him. I didn't just "settle" for him because I couldn't have Earl. It's quite the opposite. I can now see there are many aspects of the relationship that Earl would not be able to fulfill. These are aspects that Dana fills very nicely and without even trying. It's just natural for him.

But I do still love Earl. The feelings don't just turn off. If they did then no one would be safe in my heart. If I was that frivolous with my feelings then anyone would be disposable. I have grown past the "being in love" with Earl. Even now if Earl came to me and said he wants to get together, I wouldn't be able to do it. My feelings for Dana are too strong and too pure. I trust him and I need him and I want him and I love him.

In my naive mind, I thought as long as I was up front about things and not sneaking around it would prove my motives or lack there of. There is no way I could let Earl move away, forever and not see him. Our relationship has always been deeper than your average lustful affair.

Others see any contact at all as bad. Others think that only keeps the bond going and is a threat. Right now my relationship with Dana is so new that I guess I have to abide by other's wishes. I have to hide and sneak and not be open about my thoughts and feelings.

So, here I go.....under a rock until the storm passes.