What would I write about??

If I were happy, what would I write about? Will I even recognize when I am happy? Is happiness even a possibility for me? I say I will appreciate it but how can I if I don't even know I am? When did I get so off track to think that He is my only source of happiness? When did I become so dependant on the idea and hope of him? When did I lose perspective? When did I shut the door and put up the wall? When I decide that it HAS to be him? When will I finally realize that he is hopeless? When will I drop the wall and open the door? What will I write about then?