angst and coming to terms

I've thought of nothing but you all weekend.
I've thought of little more than you for two years.
Looking back I can see there haven't been fleeting moments of joy and happiness. There were slivers. Like light coming through a window blind. You know there is so much more light on the other side but it's unattainable. Blocked. The blind that can't see. The blind that can't be turned.

I can't figure it out.
I don't know why I am so disposable.
I don't know why I'm not important enough to you.
I don't know why my feelings are so far down on your line.
I just don't know.

You say that you love me and I believe you.
You say that we are meant to be together and I believe you.
What I can't believe is the way you can over look that and keep doing what you are doing.
I can't believe that you can tell me that I am the love of your life but you can't chose me.
I can't believe that the world is at our feet, begging to be lived and you can't chose me.
I can't believe that we are right and true but it's not going to happen.
I can't believe it.

There are levels of waiting. Levels of timing. But I am so unlevel, so out of time. I can't keep up with the beat or slow down to it. I'm out of sync, off key.

I came to your house, at your request. I was normal. I was even. I was able. I tried. I tried to talk to her. I tried to not look at you. I sat and looked at the two of you together and I can't believe. I can't believe she is more important than me. I can't believe her feelings count more than mine. I can't believe there is no chemistry and yet it is protected. Like a golden calf. Her feelings. Her timing. You never touched her. You never joked with her. You rarely even spoke directly to her. And this felt like the way of it. You weren't trying to protect my feelings. You just are not meant to be yet that's your loyalty.

I know you love me. But it's not the love that I crave, that I need. I don't need another "best friend". I need a man. A partner. A life mate. A soul mate. I need someone who values me. Who cherishes me. Who wants me and needs me. Someone who loves me. Someone who puts my feelings above all others. I need to feel protected.

Color me yellow and call me the golden calf. Guess that's not a good disguise for me. I was not meant to be protected and taken care of after all I can do that myself.

A good friend once said, "just because I CAN take care of myself, doesn't mean I WANT to" It also doesn't mean I should go without nurturing protective love.

I love you. Have since the beginning and my heart won't just let go. But it is changing. Every time I am overlooked and left behind another piece of that love is chipped away. Soon there will be nothing left but a simple friendship. Then we will finally be on the same page.