Is there no soul??

What is it that a man looks for in a woman? Brains, good looks, passion, soul? I'm starting to think not. Oh they want you to be smart and have a good job yet they don't want you to work outside the home. They want you to be pretty, sexy, attractive but they don't want anyone else to notice that. Yeah, ummmm....passion? Does getting laid count as passion? Soul? Isn't that the thing on the bottom of your shoe?

I've tried it all in one way or another. I have gone on plutonic dates. Talking, getting to know one another. And they never called. I did that many times. Then I went on a date with a guy I really didn't know but he was way hot and was into me, so we did it. Guess what? "It" was great but he never called and I didn't even want him too. I won't do that again. All in the name of trying to forget.

All I want is a loving, normal relationship. That's it. The coming home from work, fixing dinner, helping with homework, getting household chores done, crawl into bed and make sweet love type of relationship. I want that with a man. I want that with a man who wants it with me. I want a man who wants me and loves me and only me. How silly it all sounds when put into words on the screen. How naive and girlish. But that's what I am. I miss the way I was in the early years of my marriage. Innocent and sexy at the same time. I could be quite a vamp but wouldn't have dreamed of being that way with anyone but my husband. Now it seems someone else's husband/boyfriend are the only ones who reap the benefit of vampishness..

Am I really afraid to get into a serious relationship again and therefore seem to only fall for the guys who are taken? Or do the guys I have fallen for just so happen to be taken? In the last 3 years I have managed to build relationships with 3 men who if combined into one man would be my exact perfect match. All three are taken. 2 of them was never an option for anything permanent. Both married, long term and not overly unhappy in their marriages, just that we met and clicked and have forged a special friendship that meets certain needs. Perspective, that's where they reside.

The 3rd one has been the problem. He is the one who doesn't let me go. He is the one not in perspective. He is the one that I dream of and want for. He is the one who promised my heart was safe with him. He is the one who was gonna get free to be with me. He was the one.

Only the promises are like smoke rings in the dark. Even now, after years of flirting and crossing lines and maintaining a friendship, we are on the verge of crossing again. Only this time I want it all. And I want to give it all. But I am so afraid. He keeps leading me on. He keeps talking the soft whispers in my ear but then has excuses and reason's why he's not able to get free. OMG....I can't take it. How can her feelings be more important than mine? He says I am the forever deal, so why is he so concerned about a woman he has known barely a year and has nothing in common with? Someone he has no emotional attachment to? I've seen them together and they are not emotionally attached. Which is why I was waiting. Subconsciously I knew he'd come to me soon. I knew they wouldn't last. She has nothing and offers nothing. But yet he is still there. Worried about her feelings.

Given the heartache and headgames he has put me through I am starting to wonder if he is indeed the soulmate I have thought him to be. Why do I want that soulmate to be him? Why can't I open my heart to let someone else in? WHy is him? Because it is him. Not just the thought of all the good things in life. It's the thought of all the good things in life with him.

He is the only one who has reached into the very depth of my soul. He is the only one that touches every part of me with just his look. He is the only one who keeps me awake at night with want and longing. He is the only one. What choice do I have but lanquish until he decides? What choice do I have but to keep on loving and wanting him? I have no choice. My heart won't give me any choices.