sliding

It's still the same old thing.

I thought we had a talk. I thought we were on a right track but it just isn't so.

I hiked with Lee last night, much to Dana's dismay. I told him on Monday that her and I were hiking on Wed. He immediately tensed up and I could see his brain working. He was trying to figure out a way to either invite himself or talk me out of going.

He just doesn't get it. He doesn't get that sometimes I just want to do things without him. Not very often but once in awhile. And I do admit it has become more often but that is because of his outbursts. He has embarrassed me so many times in front of my friends and family and in public that I really have no desire to be in public with him and any acquaintences.

He has stewed and fretted since Monday about me going hiking with Lee.

It's stupid to go during the week.
Why can't I go?
What if I just meet you up there later?
I could bring Shelby for a walk up there?
Why don't you ever invite me to do anything like that?
Does that mean I'm on my own for dinner?
I'm sick of being on my own for dinner ALL THE TIME.
Why do you have energy to climb a mountain but the laundry is backing up again?
And on and on and on it goes.

It's an hour and a half timeframe of which he wasn't even going to be home for most of it. He had time to make other plans, like stop by his parent's or his sister's. But instead he went to his trailer which he is renting to Earl and Deb and stood in their driveway on the phone with me, yelling and arguing and begging instead of just visiting with them. When I realized where he was I asked if Earl was standiong right there listening and he said "No he's in the garage with Dad"

Oh great, so now Dana's Dad and Earl are privy to our business. Dana says they weren't listening but I can guarantee you that Dana's voice is deep and loud enough that the neighbors 2 miles away could hear him.

I hate that he is so boistrous and loud and doesn't even try to keep our conversations private. "I don't give a shit what other people think and I'm sick of you always trying to avoid these difficult conversations"

Difficult conversations? Try non productive ridiculous conversations. Him begging me to allow him to hang out with my friend and I (and we do include him most of the time)and thinking I'm being unreasonable when I kindly say not this time is not difficult it's ridiculous.

I'm starting to think he has behaviour problems, tantrems of sorts when he doesn't get his own way. ANd he has no capacity to see when it is appropriate to be included and when it's not. He just ALWAYS wants to be be with me and doing what I'm doing. He couldn't even handle me being in the nail salon without him.

"We are a couple and couple's do thiongs together"

Yes but NOT EVERYTHING. Not ALL THE TIME.

It's obsessive and oppressive and possessive and bordering on abuse. Lee has seen it. Many times. I have lost count of all the times he has had a "Dana fit" in front of her. ANd she has always tried to calm the situation but she told me last night that it is killing her to see him treat me like he does and talk to me like he does. It's getting to the point where he's not going to be welcome to hang with us at all. Earl and Deb have seen it and Earl was the brunt of his outbursts one day.

His Father has seen it. One day we were at his parents and I walked back to his trailer to see how Deb had decorated it and he followed me the whole way trying to stop me from going, saying I had just seen it a few days before and it was stupid to go over again. What is the big fucking deal?? She asked me to stop over and look now that they were completely moved in. I tried to explain that us women have this crazy thing about us in that we fix things up nice then we want someone to come in and like it and say "wow it looks nice". Not to mention that his parents live next door. It's not like I even got in the car to go there. He finally stormed back to his parents and his bro-in-law asked what he was so pissed about and he said "oh she is being a fucking bitch like usual" His Dad snapped right around and told him he'd better watch himself and his mouth.

I could just cry thinking about it all. I want this to work because I know it can be very good but it's just not swinging back around to good. I don't want to fail again. Earl and Deb are in his trailer so there is another whole set of logistics. Financially I'm strapped and going into winter will only make things worse.

I just don't know how many more nights like last night I can tolerate.