Affection

Sex without it is.....well, just sex.

I'm not a porn star or a nymphomaniac. I don't crave sex for the sake of sex. I don't think of a cock just for the sake of screwing. I don't even think of the in and out process. For me it is the intimacy. The closeness. The affection. The hugs and kisses building into a bigger and deeper intensity is what does it for me.

The inevitable happened. I guess I knew it would, even though I swore I would not be a mistress in my own home. But actually it was a good thing. A very good thing because my memories of how it was had been skewed. I do think that how we were was fabulous and mind blowing, but now I'm seeing that that part of the relationship is over. Has been over. I'm not even sure it was ever as good in real life as it was in my mind.

He has this weird sense that if we aren't affectionate and kissing then it doesn't count. I'm pretty sure she would say it counts. Anyways, there was no affection. I'm not even sure how it happened except that my mind felt it was going to turn affectionate. But it didn't. I felt a little yucky after. I felt like I wished it hadn't happened. But I'm glad because now I feel like I had painted him as an enigma. I had imagined things in a much different light than how it was. How it is.

I'm not saying the spell has been totally broken. We spent the day together. Alone. No kids. No her. No dogs. Just us. We swam and talked and cooked lunch and ate. I laid in the hammock, sunning myself. Nude. He washed my car. In the nude. We got a couple of good laughs from that. If we hadn't had sex, the day would have been perfect. But it isn't real and I may as well see that it isn't real.

The playfulness and friendly affection and friendship will always be there. We'll always be there for each other. But the dream of us getting together and living happily ever after? Not going to happen. It hurts. I'd be lying if I said it didn't. But it's not as painful as it has been.

I'm feeling better about moving on. Someday soon I'll meet a special someone who wants me and doesn't drive me nutz.