Suddenly

I realize that I am a farce. I am a just shadow of my former self. I am filled with secrets and they are starting to slip out one by one. I need to atone. I need to spill all the beans. I need to clean up my act. I need to start acting and behaving in a way that will bring me what I want and need.

I have developed relationships over the years with men that I have been unable to let go of. Truthfully I figured they would let go of me a long time ago. But they haven't.

I've made a list of things I need to do in order to move on in my life and not be going totally out of my mind. I know these will be alot easier said than done but I will be starting on this list tonight.

1) I have to tell Dana about Earl moving in. I finally realize that Earl and I are nothing more than friends. It has been so damaging to me every time I have crossed that line with Earl. But it has also brought me one step closer to being able to move beyond the "in love" feelings. Earl and I have a special connection. I would do anything for him and I know he feels the same. But that doesn't mean that we are meant to live and love happily ever after. I don't know if Dana and I have a chance at anything but I can't waste any of his time by being deceitful and being deceitful will only cement an end to that relationship.

2) I have to tell Earl that I am in the beginning stages of "seeing" Dana. This one shouldn't be so difficult. I guess the thing I'm most concerned about is that he won't move in and truthfully, right now I need the financial assistance and help around the house. But he needs to know so he can decide for himself.

3) I have to end a 4 year relationship with a man who saved my life. Emotionally, if it hadn't been for him I probably would have gone insane. We haven't seen each other in "that" way for awhile but he still wants to and I need to let him know that I will always consider him a friend but not "that" kind of friend anymore.

4) The hardest thing I have to do is be totally honest with my Best Bud. I have to stop keeping secrets that I think will taint his feelings for me. I have to trust that we will remain friends no matter what and if we don't then it wasn't meant to be. I have to stop being afraid that I will be a disappointment to him. If I am then I am. I have to just get over that fear.

5) I have to get a different outlook on men. I need to stop hanging on for dear to every relationship. My ex husband is the only man I have been able to fully let go of in my whole life. All the rest are still connected to me in one way or another even if it's just in my thoughts. I am coming to realize that men are like women. They come and go in your life and it's ok. Of course it's different because these men in my life mean something to me in a different way than my women friends.

Guess I have a few hang ups. I never thought I did but these words on this page are making me realize that I do. Is it that I never felt accepted by my father? I never thought so. I never dwelled on it. I never felt void because of a lack of relationship with my father but my actions, especially in these later years, are blaring examples of my subconscious feelings of inadequacies and the need to please.

Wow...what a Friday morning. I feel exhausted and free all at the same time. Will I end up completely alone? Maybe. But maybe it is time to be alone and start fresh. Maybe it is time to just start fresh. This new me that is replacing the old me is really the original me. The honest me. The me who wasn't a game player. The me who loved one man. The me who didn't confuse sex and love. The me who was faithful.

This is a huge undertaking for me and I know that I will falter but at least now I have it in writing. My list. The things I need to do to forge a new path. A healthier path.

Why do I feel so sick to my stomach?