Do you?

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, anything"

"No, this is a serious question"

"uh oh. I hate serious questions"

"Oh stop it. It's not so bad."

"Ok, go for it."

"Do you ever think about me? You know, in THAT way?"

I paused......

"Are you there?"

"I'm here"

"It's ok if you don't. I'm just asking."

Quietly I confess "I think about you every day. In THAT way. In every way"

He sighs on the other end of the phone. "I think about you too Baby. I can't stop thinking about you. I am coming home because I can't stay away"

He's talking about stars aligning and fate finally happening. I'm just taking it all in. Not yet believing. Not yet hoping. Just basking. In the knowledge that no matter how things DO work out I know how they SHOULD work out. And so does he.

I watched Brokeback Mountain last weekend. No matter what you think of the subject matter the content is pretty good. A couple of quotes I have come to live by are from that movie.


Tell you what. The truth is... sometimes I miss you so much I can hardly stand it.

If you can't fix it you just have to stand it

I wish I knew how to quit you

Yeah, words I have lived by long before ever seeing the movie.

He'll be home in less than 2 weeks. Sooner than I expected but not sooner than I wanted. It changes everything. And changes nothing at all.

He's attached. So am I. Sort of. Feelings. Hers. His. Everyone's but mine. That's all he has ever worried about. He doesn't want to hurt anyone. Neither do I but how can it be helped? It can't. With or without him I can't go on like I am.

I don't know how people stay with the wrong person. Especially when the right person is right in front of them. How do you keep on keeping on? How do you pretend that everything is fine? How do you get by?

Timing is a little lousy. I wanted to be done with Dana before anything else came to pass. Although nothing has come to pass or is even coming to pass. May not happen but I do know that Dana is not right for me. Timing is my own fault. Same excuse He always had. I didn't want to hurt anyone. Now we are all hurting. Fuck.

I know from past experience and from my feelings now that I am better off alone than with someone who is not right for me. My dragging feet has nothing to do with being alone and everything to do with loving Dana enough to not want to hurt him. But it can't be helped.

Love leaves no prisoners. It goes in for the kill. Luckily, most of the time we can be resurrected after love leaves us dead. My heart is tired. Jaded. Not about love or life. Just about Earl. But it is full of love too. The kind of love that just can't be quitted. I have had to stand what I can't fix.