Self Destruction at it's finest
You'd think I would learn. You'd think I would let Pollyanna live in peace over on that other blog. You'd think at 40 years old I'd be able to know what is going to be perceived as bad and what isn't. You'd think.
Well thinking sucks. Thinking too much. Thinking too little.
I have taken a good bashing this morning and was told unceremoniously to go and fuck myself. All my life I have taken the bashings. I have just covered my head and picked up the pieces when wielding fists stop. I have done what Jesus would do. Smile and forgive. Well guess what? I ain't Jesus. I ain't even religious.
I don't know why I think so little of myself that I keep on taking the abuse and never NEVER speak up. Well today I didn't. Someone fucked up. SOmeone has been discussing my soap opera of a life and having quite a bit to say and share about it.
I was on the receiving end of an email about me that was not intended for me. Yeah I know a few of you have been there. Well, let me tell you, it was alot easier to forgive the fuck up than the ensuing conversation that happened afterwards. Funny how when someone screws up it's because someone else caused it. It's justified. It was my fault anyways. Right?
WRONG and I came back. I defended myself. I was calm assertive (all that training from Ceasar Milan has helped) I kept my head and stuck to the facts. No name calling. No profanity. No CAPS.
My life is an open book. Too open. I have cried mournful tears and gone to the brink of insanity and come back again. The reason so many started reading me was because of how fucked up I am. How many of you read about Cinderella and Prince Charming living happily ever after. The perfect house and perfect kids and fucking Pollyanna are downright boring. Yeah, I don't read them either. Even when you guys get happy, I am happy as a pig in shit for you but you'll notice my attention span slips.
My blog was SOOOO interesting when it was about a stranger. A needy yet strong yet funny, yet fucked up Boo. It's only when you get involved and start to see some of yourself in the words that it gets not so fun.
Because of this I have censored myself. You have no idea how much. OK, well you know about this blog so I guess you do know. But I don't like it. I don't like Dana reading it. I don't like Kathy reading it and his parents and her friends and their parents and friend's friends. I FUCKING HATE IT. I hate that I have to stray away from the very people who made me feel so good and safe here. I hate that I don't know who to trust anymore. I hate that I don't want to, just can't bring myself to grant entrance to this blog to anyone but you. My tight circle. My unconditional friends. It's not that you say what you think I want to hear. Quite the opposite. You give honest feedback without bashing me.
God I'm tired. I just want to crawl up in a ball and forget life even exists. I wish I knew the answers to all my questions. I wish Lianne's comment didn't strike so close to home. I wish I was better at covering up that fact. I wish I wasn't so programmed to keep the peace, because when I don't it hurts.
6 comments:
i could see this coming. i thought i lost the link to this place, but i found my key hidden under a rock.
;-)
someone once told me that you can't determine another person's reaction or response, you can only determine your own. telling him you need some space in a kind way is all you can do. how he takes it and responds to it is his own demon to deal with. you can't "make" him react or understand.
i'm sorry you've so many folks feeling that they can and have the right to tell you how you should live. you're the only one who has to walk in your shoes honey. find the shoes that fit you the best.
((u))
I seem to be trailing leen round the blogs today and honestly, she has said everything I would have. She is just way better with words than I...so I say "ditto to what leenie said" gawd I'm lame.*sigh*
Thanks for my key to this wonderful place. *hugs*
Thank you guys. It has been a really rough day and I appreciate the support.
Boo
Im sorry im late here too :( I've been so damn wrapped up in my own shit...
I was worried too, about this. Maybe I should have spoken up, but im not good at that either.
YOU are what's important to me. YOU are who matters most, Boo. You have to be comfortable with you, sweety.
I'll be home this weekend (like im ever NOT home... heh) if you want to call me. I'll try to call you.
I love you honey!
Who fucking with MY BOO? Just point me in the general direction please?
Funny, but when you put your flaws out there for all the world to see, they think that gives them permission to pick you apart as well. Like we dont do that enough already.
I think your an amazing woman, Boo. Flaws and all. Muah!!
Funny how we always end up running back home when things get rough. I just never realized that home is with the people who love you and not just a place. Thank you guys sooo much. I love you all.
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