I'm not sick but I'm not well
I have turned into a stranger. I don't even know myself anymore. I am a recluse. A hermit. I am happier by myself, with myself. I am no longer the social butterfly. I am no longer the passionate, affectionate person I always assumed myself to be.
The one thing that hasn't changed is I can't hide or fake feelings. I am an open book. I wear my emotions on my face. I carry them in my walk. The spring in my step was short lived. Now my shoes feel like they have lead in them.
Yet I'm still not ready to let go. I'm still not ready to be done. I still want to talk. I still want things to work out. I want what we had in the beginning, before it became weird and obsessive and distant and cold.
"You can never go back"
Yeah, yeah, yeah....I've heard it all before. But I don't necessarily believe that. And besides maybe back isn't such a wonderful place. Maybe forward is the place to be.
Why do I feel the most alive when I'm writhing in agony? Why am I happier when I'm unhappy? Why does it feel so dysfunctional? When did I become so dysfunctional?
We are going to dinner tonight. We missed Valentine's Day because of a major Nor'Easter. And truthfully I was fine with that. Because Valentine's is for lovers and for those in love. It's not meant for just friends. I didn't want to lie and profess feelings that aren't there. Or are they? I didn't want to hurt him by being truthful. But what is the truth anyways?
Love. It's such a subjective word and emotion. Loving someone, being in love with someone. Figuring out the difference. What if I figure it out wrong? Is that how I am meant to love? On a shoestring? By myself? Do I have to push him away and lose him before I will know for sure?
I am so not well.
6 comments:
Im sorry Babe. Im beginning to understand that not every relationship is a lifetime one. Perhaps this is the case with you and Dana.
Feel Boo, and acknowledge those feelings.
Musey, you are so right. I need to just feel and stop analyzing.
stop analyzing? how do you do that? can you share it with me?
:)
(((boo)))
I love what musey said.."Feel and acknowledge those feelings"
Sometimes, what we want just isn't what we thought it was. It's a fantastic place to visit, but it just isn't home.
And in the words of Bonnie Raitt "You can't make your heart feel, something it won't"
love you boobaby. *hugs*
hugss. shelby is too bootiful she almost has a human soul, a quiet loving one :)
i feel for you honey. it's a lot to ask yourself.
hugs
Post a Comment