What am I looking for....

Why can't I just get over it? I can get around it and past it but I can't seem to get over it. Why does my heart seem to only find and crave those that are to never be mine? Is that the magnet that captures my heart and soul and won't let it go?

When will love come along? Is there any such thing as true love? Caring, nurturing, non judgmental, captivating, passionate, unsatiated yet quenched at the same time? Is it all a silly girlish dream? Is it too much to expect to be swept into the arms of my lover and be ravished yet protected? Lusted for yet loved? Taken to the edge of that cliff only to jump off together? Why does it have to be one or the other? Lust or Love? Why can't the two reside together in harmony, in the heart and in the home? Why don't the feelings last beyond the next phone call? Why does one heart hold on tight to the feeling and the other heart so easily slip out the back?

What am I looking for? I would answer Love and lust and passion and security and intimacy. I want the freedom to be myself yet the binding promise of a committed relationship. I want to sleep with my lover beside me. I want the intimacy of sleeping, curled against him, resting my feet on his legs, knowing the security of strong arms around me. I want to wake in the night and feel his hot breath on my neck, nudging me from my dreams. Not being able to wait for morning. Making love in the wee hours of the morning while the world sleeps. The spiral dance, lips soft and fluid, hands intertwined, intricately linked legs. His voice, softly whispering his love and lust for me. I want to travel to the depths of your soul and meet you somewhere in the ever after.

As I wake it all seems so confusing, I go to sleep with him on my mind but it is you in my dreams. Where do the dreams end and I begin? What am I truly looking for? Who am I looking for? Will this pain ever subside? Will the confusion and wanting and yearning ever abate? Will I ever stop making desperate decisions? How far is too far? How far do I have to travel, on this earth and in my mind to find what I am looking for? Is it here, inside of me and I just have to keep wandering through the labrynth of my mind, forever searching for something that will always be behind the next corner?