Here I sit...

alone again.

I am filled with these thoughts and feelings and desires. Why is it that I can't seem to move on with my life? What am I waiting for? I'm waiting for you. I'm waiting for you to realize that what we had and what you promised really is better than what you have now. I am waiting for you to come to me in more than just my dreams. I long for your touch and whispers. I long to be held and talked to. I long to be loved. It's more than the mind altering sex we had together. It is more than all the "stuff" we could do and have together. It's the sense of belonging and knowing someone thinks about me and is longing to be with me as well. It's the intimacy of laying together in bed with your hand over my heart.

What if you never realize that this is where you belong? What if you really don't belong here? Where do I go from here? How do I manage to go on? How do I see other men and not compare them to you? How do I not pick them apart? How do I find that awesome "thing" we had? How do I recreate the chemistry and passion and total rush of being with you? How do I stop hearing your voice in my head, telling all the wonderful things I wanted to hear. Will those wonderful things ever come true? Will they come true with you?

I used to feel painfully lonely and was starting to feel desperate for a relationship, any relationship. But now I feel a sense of yearning for you, and am ok with the waiting.

Waiting in Vain by Annie Lenox

From the very first time I rest my eyes on you, boy,
My heart said follow through
But I know now that I'm way down on your line
But the waiting feeling's fine.
So don't treat me like a puppet on a string
'Cause I know how to do my thing.
Don't talk to me as if you think I'm dumb,
I wanna know when you're gonna come.

See, I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
'Cause summer is here, I'm still waiting there,
Winter is here and I'm still waiting there.

Like I said, it's been three years since I'm knocking on your door
And I still can knock some more.
Ooh boy, ooh boy, is it crazy love ?
I wanna know now For I to knock some more.
You see... In life I know there is lots of grief
But your love is my relief.
Tears in my eyes burn, tears in my eyes burn
While I'm waiting, while I'm waiting for my turn.

See, I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
'Cause summer is here, I'm still waiting there,
Winter is here and I'm still waiting there.

Like I said, it's been three years since I'm knocking on your door
And I still can knock some more.
Ooh boy, ooh boy, is it crazy love ?
I wanna know now
Like I said, tears in my eyes burn, tears in my eyes burn
While I'm waiting, while I'm waiting for my turn,
see Ooh boy, ooh boy, is it crazy love ?
I wanna know now
For I to knock some more.
In love I know there is lots of grief
But your love is my relief.